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APPLE FILES TO ACQUIRE MULTIPE M.I. INDUSTRY COMPANIES; PLANS TO TURN ALL GEAR INTO APPS
April 1, 2013—Cupertino, CA—Apple, Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) today filed ambitious plans with the Federal Trade Commission and SEC to purchase a large number of companies that make keyboards, synthesizers, DAW software, microphones, guitars, amplifiers, live sound reinforcement gear, and any other equipment involved in modern music production. Initial plans include Fender, Gibson, Yamaha, Korg, Roland, Kurzweil, Shure, Mackie, and many others. Over the next two to three years, physical instruments made by any companies acquired will be phased out entirely and replaced with iPhone and iPad apps.
“This is a natural evolution for us” said Apple CEO Tim Cook in a prepared statement. “Now, whether you want to record multiple tracks, sing, play guitar, or do anything else involving music creation, there’s an app for that.” A source who spoke on condition of anonymity confirmed that this is physically possible. “New technology in the upcoming iPad 6 lets the screen itself act as a transducer. Add mic modeling, and as a very famous musician once said, you’ll love it—it’s just like a Telefunken U47.” To help with onstage mic showmanship, IK Multimedia is rumored to be developing an extra-strong connector cable that lets users swing their iPhones overhead in the style of Roger Daltrey.
Gibson CEO Henry Juszkiewicz will be appointed President and Chief Strategy Officer of Apple’s new MI Division. “We were very impressed with his track record with Opcode and Oberheim,” explained Tim Cook. “For turning physical products into purely virtual entities, we knew he was our man.”
Asked whether layoffs would result from such a huge acquisition, a spokesperson said, “We hope to keep this to a minimum by transitioning employees to new factories Foxconn is building to meet the anticipated surge in demand for iOS devices.” When told that many music industry professionals are in the U.S. and lack the legal status to work at Foxconn plants in China and India, not to mention any desire to relocate, the spokesperson only said, “Per Apple policy, I can’t comment on future strategic plans, but I can say that we’re committed to helping the U.S. government reduce the deficit and at the same time to helping music professionals ease their student loan burden.”